Half a Heart

So I have been homesick.  Incredibly so.  To the point of dreaming about home and waking to an intense need to be there.

Its really frustrating to want to be somewhere so badly but without the means to make it happen.  I suppose this is adult hood now.  Responsibilities that hold me back from clicking 'buy' on that precious flight home.

Luna is another looming mission.  I feel overwhelmed at the idea of managing her alone for so long, and do not want to take her away from her Papa.  For her sake or his.  So, I stay.  Here.  In New Zealand.

New Zealand has become home and has its charms.  I have been goaded by many a friend that it will get better with time, which is true.  It has improved and my roots are stretching deeper, my friendships and communities deepening.

The problem is something I find hard to put my finger on.  Its a nuance in the back of my mind and a longing in my bones.  A desire to belong and share context and experience.  It is troubling to me that Luna will have a kiwi accent, will not grow up in Canadian culture and may not understand her crazy Mama.

I want to take Luna into the homes of my friends and family and have her known to them as they know me.  It would be wonderful to traverse my childhood places and tread my history together.  Thirty two years of my life were spent in Canada and it is odd at times to not have this context known in my present.

I admit that in many ways I was eager to leave home and explore other places.  I knew in my heart that I would probably marry and live off shore.  Ironically I am taken off guard by just how much in the end, I just want to be home.

I understand rose coloured glasses and know that I am a hybrid of sorts.  Canada will not feel the same as I have changed as well as the ones I love.  I realize that once in Canada I will long for New Zealand and will complain that I should have never left.  I know I am a walking catch 22, but I still can't shake the 'what if' feeling.

Discontentment is something I have dealt with all my life.  Nothing ever seems to be good enough for me as I set my expectations sky high.  Slowly, I am learning to manage this character flaw which makes it difficult for me to enjoy the moment, love myself or find some peace.

Its a strange thing to not fully understand yourself and to desire two things at once.  I am still learning the patience.

Oh the complexities of being a human.

I am not looking for assurance or sympathy, but just want to share.  Its a lovely thing to bare your heart in words and be known.

Yours patiently but still pacing,

Barb