Two Years

This has always been my favorite picture of my dad.  It captures his kindness, his ruddy good looks and of course...his mischief.  Dad was always up to something and the twinkle in his eye gave him away.

Today marks two years since he departed from us.  We miss him dearly.  He was too young and too vibrant to go.

Everyday that Luna grows I grieve not having him with us.  He would have loved her to bits.  They would have got on famously and been a fantastic pair.  Though I can share Dad with Luna through my stories, its hard to not see the relationship that would have developed in real time.

I miss him.  He was a good man and a good father.  Today I honor his spirit and his courage.

I found this Pueblo Prayer and it made me cry and feel hope at the same time.  I think he would have liked it.

Hold on to what is good,
even if it's a handful of earth. 

Hold on to what you believe,
even if it's a tree that stands by itself. 

Hold on to what you must do, 
even if it's a long way from here. 

Hold on to your life, 
even if it's easier to let go. 

Hold on to my hand, 
Even if I've gone away from you.


Love you Dad.  Miss you still.

Half a Heart

So I have been homesick.  Incredibly so.  To the point of dreaming about home and waking to an intense need to be there.

Its really frustrating to want to be somewhere so badly but without the means to make it happen.  I suppose this is adult hood now.  Responsibilities that hold me back from clicking 'buy' on that precious flight home.

Luna is another looming mission.  I feel overwhelmed at the idea of managing her alone for so long, and do not want to take her away from her Papa.  For her sake or his.  So, I stay.  Here.  In New Zealand.

New Zealand has become home and has its charms.  I have been goaded by many a friend that it will get better with time, which is true.  It has improved and my roots are stretching deeper, my friendships and communities deepening.

The problem is something I find hard to put my finger on.  Its a nuance in the back of my mind and a longing in my bones.  A desire to belong and share context and experience.  It is troubling to me that Luna will have a kiwi accent, will not grow up in Canadian culture and may not understand her crazy Mama.

I want to take Luna into the homes of my friends and family and have her known to them as they know me.  It would be wonderful to traverse my childhood places and tread my history together.  Thirty two years of my life were spent in Canada and it is odd at times to not have this context known in my present.

I admit that in many ways I was eager to leave home and explore other places.  I knew in my heart that I would probably marry and live off shore.  Ironically I am taken off guard by just how much in the end, I just want to be home.

I understand rose coloured glasses and know that I am a hybrid of sorts.  Canada will not feel the same as I have changed as well as the ones I love.  I realize that once in Canada I will long for New Zealand and will complain that I should have never left.  I know I am a walking catch 22, but I still can't shake the 'what if' feeling.

Discontentment is something I have dealt with all my life.  Nothing ever seems to be good enough for me as I set my expectations sky high.  Slowly, I am learning to manage this character flaw which makes it difficult for me to enjoy the moment, love myself or find some peace.

Its a strange thing to not fully understand yourself and to desire two things at once.  I am still learning the patience.

Oh the complexities of being a human.

I am not looking for assurance or sympathy, but just want to share.  Its a lovely thing to bare your heart in words and be known.

Yours patiently but still pacing,

Barb

Just Because

One morning we had beautiful sun coming into our little bedroom.  We decided to grab the camera and capture some family time for preservation. 

SO, we set the timer and tried to capture a NICE family picture.  Why we decided we could take a nice photo in our PJ's so early in the morning fails me. 

Here are some of the out takes.  Everytime I look through these I cannot stop laughing.  They are so terrible they are AMAZING.

the eye blink

Luna looks stunned, What am I doing with my mouth, Isaac looks hung over

Isaac's just A-MAZING in this one

nope

The hair grab

AND SCENE.

A Lady for all Seasons

Prototype Lace up Ballet High top (no idea what I'm doing)

More Seasoned Lace up Ballet High Top (still no idea what I'm doing)

A man I respect delivered a talk on persistence.  What impacted me most was his thoughts on not giving up and consistency.  He quoted a respected author (who's name escapes me) who suggested that to master any cognitive skill you can expect to log around 10, 000 trial hours first.

Than my friend sent me this video:

I had never seen it before and it really impacted me. 

It got me thinking.  I have had a tremendous problem with staying committed to a creative discipline for the long haul.  I give up too quickly.  There is a point I reach in learning, where I am growing skills, but am not 'skilled' to master it, that I can't seem to push through.  Frustration sets in and I drop it.

When I was younger I had the ability to pick things up very quickly.  I could play music by ear and seemed to excel in school (excluding sports...high jump was a write off).  I now think this hindered me from actually mastering things. Once the skill required practice and no longer came naturally, I would assume it was over for me.  My perfectionism also hindered me from grace to make mistakes and the reality that not everything I make or do will be worth something. 

There are many unfinished projects lying in the burrow of my past.  So many missed opportunities that it's embarrassing to me.  I know I self sabotage, am lazy and a major procrastinator; but the main reason I give up is FEAR.

I really really dislike fear.  I have struggled with it for eons and honestly...I am OVER it.

Who cares what I make or how I make it?  Probably no one.  If they do care...does it matter?  How does this affect my reputation?  Who makes these rules anyway?

So I stop making , get discouraged and sulk.  I look at myself as a failure and look for something new to try.  But you know, watching this video and hearing my friend speak made me realize that all the trial and error is part of the process.  I don't have to be a master at the start.  The process is important to.

My friend also shared that consistency, though not glamorous can be a beautiful thing.  When feeling lost, return back to center and pick up the trail.  This is so encouraging for me.  Rather than being a failure I can view myself as a seasoned person, bringing all my life experiences with me to keep expanding and maturing my creative process.  I can pick up where I left off and keep moving forward.  I think I am honestly getting better as I age.  I like myself a lot more now than I did in my teens and 20's.  I am way way nicer:)

I do have to add, that it is also wise to know when to let interests drop, without calling it failure or laziness.  I have felt tremendous freedom stopping hobbies in the realization that it had begun to dictate to me negative boundaries around who I had to be.

SO here's the thought.  What is it that I want to pick up again, without fear and move forward.  What can I expand and bring with me on this journey?

Hold that thought while I do some thinking and I will get back to you.  

The Beginning

So, I have been wanting to start a blog for a LONG LONG time.  Living with my personality means: I have talked with everyone about it for ages,  but have not done anything to make it happen.  Hence, I am starting this blog in bare bones form, so it actually happens.

I did not want to add to the already loud din of internet noise with another voice, but have felt a burning need to write, share my thoughts and be heard.  This year is a time for me to focus intentionally on being myself, figuring out what that looks like, sharing the process and not despairing if I have written slanted, uneducated drivel which I will NOT (ok...I will try not to) apologize for.

Part of my problem is the need to appear perfect and create flawless, brilliant work. Hence: presenting work evokes fear and trepidation that I have left something out, overlooked a concept, been naive or just plain terrible.   I do NOT want to be that awful singer on American Idol that thinks they are Gods gift to music, unable to see or hear that they sing terribly as everyone else can.  The end result of this is frustration, plus a sense of jealously that EVERYONE else can present and create amazing things while I just sit and sit and sit and do nothing knowing that I could. 

Many of my friends including myself have found the online social world overwhelming and hard to live up to.  I often find myself comparing my life to other people's beautiful online presence, whether blog, pinterest posts or facebook profile.   Taking an actual day to day snapshot of my life, would include a lot of mess, disorder and unwashed dishes which would require a LOT of editing to look polished.  

As I am far from polished, a bit too honest and will probably never have all my ducks in a row,  I want to live life in the moment now, unedited and unscripted.  I will probably never get to the place of personal growth/achievement where I feel I should be to start 'making things happen' so I may as well just enjoy my life for what it is right now.  It's all I get really. 

This is the purpose of this blog.  A platform to be present, explore my own creativity and test my courage to put myself out there regardless if I'm read-worthy or not. 

If you choose to come along and follow my thoughts, good for you.  Part of the idea of doing this is accepting the accountability to drag my bum to the computer once a week and post whats in my head and heart.  By all means please tell me what you think (but try to be nice about it..thanks).

The RULES for this blog are:

1) I must post life as it happens in unedited form (I can make things pretty but I have to include the WHOLE story).
2) I must be honest and share my heart.
3) I must be brave and put up my creative ideas.
4) I must ACTUALLY post!  Ha!

Cheerio!

Barb